Words Matter

Words matter.

The words you choose matter. 

Whether you realize it or not, the words you choose have a profound impact on the quality of your life, how you feel, how others feel when they are around you, the actions you take, and the results you have in your life. 

It all starts with words.  

I’m not only referring to the words that you choose to speak aloud, I’m also referring your thoughts – the words in your mind that don’t get spoken aloud. 

I’d like to put some focus on the word choose. And since it’s very likely that you will easily get on board with the idea that you get to choose the words that you speak aloud but tougher to comprehend choosing our thoughts, let’s start with words and move to thoughts in a few minutes.

The words we speak aloud:

It is 100% your choice if you want to complain, judge, gossip and focus on all of the problems you see around you. It is also your choice if you opt for speaking words that provide support and for focusing your words on finding solutions or being more constructive and helpful. I’m not saying that it’s easy to choose the words that are more constructive and helpful, but I am saying that how you speak to others is a choice you make. And that the words you choose matter deeply. 

Have you ever been in a meeting with someone who complains about everything or blocks all of the ideas by coming up with reasons the ideas wont work? How does that make you feel? And how do you think it affects team dynamics? 

Or have you ever been having a lovely day and then spent time with someone who is complaining about any and everything around them? What happens to your mood and energy level then? Do you notice that your thoughts start to become more complainy as well?

I believe that the energy behind words is contagious. If you are around a lot of negative words, your thoughts tend to turn more negative. And if you are around positive, supportive, and affirming words, your thoughts tend to lean in that direction. 

We can’t control what other people choose to say. But what can we control? Well, we can control how much time we spend around people who tend to have a negative energy behind their words. This isn’t always easy, especially if those negative words are coming from family or co-workers. But we can be intentional with our time and we can be aware of how the negative energy affects us. Rather than getting sucked into the negative energy vortex, we can try to pause, breathe, and remain calm.

I like to pretend that I am a superhero with a outfit that deflects negative energy. For one thing, this makes me laugh, which automatically pulls me to higher ground. It is also a reminder to me that I don’t have to let their words and energy affect me. I’ll be honest, I am not very good at this yet, but I am getting better with practice.  

And what else do we have control over? We always have control over the words that we choose to speak.  We get to decide what types of words we want to put out into the world and how we want our words to affect the people around us. 

What types of words do you tend to choose? And how do you think your words affect your life and the lives of people around you?

The thoughts we have:

Most of us can probably agree, that though it is not always easy, we do get to choose the words that we speak. 

But did you know that you also get to choose the words that you think?

Let me be clear, most of us don’t have control over all of the words (thoughts) or ideas that flow through and pop into our mind. Sometimes (okay, frequently) we do have negative, judgy, and critical thoughts that automatically pop into our stream of consciousness. 

But here is some great news – those thoughts that automatically pop into your mind: they do not define you and you do not have to claim them. You actually get to choose which thoughts you accept as true to you.

That idea used to seem really crazy to me, so let me explain with a couple of examples.

One example:

Let’s say you see your co-worker arriving 30 minutes late to work, and she happens to be someone who arrives late quite often. 

Potential automatic thought: Ugh, Janet is always late, she doesn’t care enough about us or this job to get here on time.

Notice the automatic thoughts there. Does it serve you or make your day any better to think those thoughts? My guess is no. So, below are the steps I try to take when automatic negative thoughts pop into my mind. 

1. 1. Recognize
   2. Pause
   3. Ask “Is it true?”
   4. Think a new thought

Looking closely at each step:

Step 1: Recognize that this is not a thought I want to keep. Awareness is always the first step! it is not always easy to recognize, but start paying attention and see what comes up for you. 

Step 2: Pause and take a deep breath. If the situation allows it, I put my hand on my heart and hold it there while I take the breath.  Putting my hand on my heart and taking a deep breath both ground me and pull me back into my body and into the present moment. The pause creates space and together all of these actions allow me to think more clearly and intentionally. 

Step 3: Ask myself “Is it true?” I don’t always have or make time for this step, but it can be powerful if I take the time to do it.

Is it true that Janet is always late? Nope, just sometimes. 

Is it true that she doesn’t care about us or the job? I don’t know. I have no idea what she cares about. I made the leap in my mind that being late equaled not caring, but I truly do not know her situation. 

Asking “Is it true?” forces my brain to really examine and re-think my assumptions and opinions. And it usually destroys those automatic negative thoughts. Give it a try sometime and see how it works for you.

Step 4: Think a new thought on purpose. This can be awkward at first and it will not serve you if you pick a new thought that you absolutely do not believe. You need to find a thought that is believable to you.

Here are some options for different thoughts:

I see Janet arriving. What’s the next task on my list? (Basically acknowledge and move on)

Janet is arriving now. I wonder what her morning was like?

Janet seems to be late often, I wonder what is going on?

Another example:

You are feeling overwhlemed after a long day of work and are busy cleaning the house and cooking dinner while your husband is off doing something else. Your stream of thoughts might sound something like:

This house is disgusting. I have so much to do! My husband has been doing nothing to help with the house recently. I’ve been doing everything by myself. It is so unfair, why do I end up having to do it all? 

The inner voice can sometimes be a bit whiny and dramatic.

Those thoughts probably felt true to you in the moment, right? Thinking them might have even felt good because it made your irritation seem justified.  

But are they serving you? 

And are they really true? 

Are they really the thoughts you want to keep?

I once heard someone on a podcast refer to these as thought errors, and that wording has stuck with me. You don’t have to accept the thought as true. Instead you notice it, say “Oh, thought error,” and then gently move to a better thought. 

Using my 4 steps on this example:

Step 1: Recognize those thoughts as a thought error

Step 2: Pause, hand to heart and breathe. Maybe even a couple of breaths!

Step 3:  “Are these thoughts true? 

Is it true that the house is disgusting? Not really, it’s just messy. 

Is it true that my husband has been doing nothing to help with the house recently? No, it’s not. He’s been doing other important things that have kept him from helping me as much as usual with housework. He has also been working really hard. 

Is it true thatI’ve been doing everything by myself? No. We both do a lot.

Step 4: Think new thoughts on purpose.

I’m feeling overwhelmed with all I have to do. I think he is actually feeling pretty overwhelmed with his stuff too. 

Because my husband has been busy recently, more of the tasks have fallen onto my shoulders. This has been hard and I feel tired, but it is temporary. 

Your words and your thoughts matter. They greatly impact your life and the lives of people around you. You get to choose the words that you speak and the thoughts that you choose to focus on. You now have a 4-step framework for how to reframe those automatic negative thoughts and insted choose thoughts that will serve you.

Can you imagine what life would feel like if we all took the time and energy to intentionally choose our thoughts and our words?

Sounds dreamy to me.